Ambivilence

The thing about radiation treatment is that it's both no big deal and really scary at the same time. Every morning I go to the treatment center. The receptionists greet me by name, I walk back to the waiting area, sit down for maybe a minute before my name is called. I chat with the girls, put my mouth guard in, and get situated on the table. They make adjustments, turn the machine on for a minute, then make more adjustments and turn it on again. I get up, rinse out my mouth guard, say goodbye, and head to Starbuck's. Simple. Except if I think about what's really going on. I am purposely exposing my body to radiation. I am allowing healthy cells to be damaged. I do not know when I may start having side effects, so any little tickle in my throat or feeling of tiredness brings anxiety. Is this it? Will I start feeling worse from this point forward? I can usually rationalize to myself: a little uncomfortableness now, even pain, may add years to my life. That upset stomach and tired feeling is probably just a virus. If I do have side effects, I will manage them as they come along and not fret about them before I have to. So I give myself a little shake, look at my wonderful family for strength, and keep moving.

Late!

Everything would have been fine today, except for the beltline. It wasn't moving. At all. I was fifteen minutes late for my appointment, but it went quickly in spite of that. I made my Starbuck's stop and headed back home to enjoy two 2-year-olds playing in my living room.

Some pictures

Scar? What scar? (It's on my right side) My surgeon did a great job with my incision. It's in a crease in my neck and the shadow from my jaw.

Here's what my neck and jaw look like today. We'll see how it changes as my treatment continues.

First treatment

I went for my first treatment today. It took about an hour because they did some imaging and adjusting to make sure everything was aimed exactly as it should be. The technicians, nurses, and doctors at Turville Bay are all so great. They explain and reassure as second nature. A little hand on the arm can go a long way. The nurse gave me some lotion that they recommend. Did you know some lotions have metal in them? That's not so good for radiation treatment! My next appointment should be shorter. Soon it will just be routine.

My Diagnosis

About 10 years ago I noticed a swollen gland in my neck that didn't go away. I mentioned it to my doctor and she sent me to a surgeon (I don't remember what kind). He examined me and said if I was his wife or daughter he would recommend that I just leave it alone, so I did. It never bothered me much and didn't seem to get much bigger. This past year my doctor commented on it as did my dentist so I figured I should have it looked at again. I went to an ENT, he ordered a CT scan and said there was a mass on my salivary gland (submandibular). He did a needle biopsy which didn't show malignancy, but he recommended we remove the gland anyway. So in February I had surgery and had it removed. When I went for my post-op appointment I was very surprised to hear that the mass on my gland was cancer, specifically Adenoid Cystic Carcinoma. This is a rare, slow growing, persistent cancer. It travels along the nerves. The surgeon had the pathologist look at me while I was still in surgery and they both agreed that it had not invaded any of the nerves they could see. This cancer does not respond to chemotherapy, so that is not an option. I'm kind of relieved by that because the side effects of chemo are very scary to me. The standard of care is removal (check) and radiation. My surgeon "passed me off" to a radiation oncologist named Dr. Teng at Turville Bay here in Madison. He has been great. He looked at my neck CT and talked to my ENT and the pathologist. He sent me for blood tests, a dermatology check up (I have lots of moles and he wanted to be sure none were malignant, which could be made worse by background radiation), a dental check up, a chest CT, and a thyroid ultrasound. ACC tends to metastasize to the nerves and the lungs. By visual examination, the nerves in my neck are clear. By CT, my lungs are clear. So, I will start radiation treatment on Monday, the day after Easter, which seems poetic somehow. The treatment will be 5 days a week for six weeks.

Am I scared? Sometimes, but mostly not. I think part of the reason I'm somewhat calm about it all is because they took it out. The tumor is in a jar somewhere, or in the garbage maybe. The radiation treatment is basically a precaution. Just in case there are some little cancer cells lurking around. I have no illusions about this being the end of it. I'll have to get checked for the rest of my life and it will probably come back sometime in the future, but that's not now. Sufficient unto the day . . . For now, this is not going to kill me. It' s going to be an inconvenience and a test, but with the support of wonderful friends and family, we will all make it through.