Ambivilence

The thing about radiation treatment is that it's both no big deal and really scary at the same time. Every morning I go to the treatment center. The receptionists greet me by name, I walk back to the waiting area, sit down for maybe a minute before my name is called. I chat with the girls, put my mouth guard in, and get situated on the table. They make adjustments, turn the machine on for a minute, then make more adjustments and turn it on again. I get up, rinse out my mouth guard, say goodbye, and head to Starbuck's. Simple. Except if I think about what's really going on. I am purposely exposing my body to radiation. I am allowing healthy cells to be damaged. I do not know when I may start having side effects, so any little tickle in my throat or feeling of tiredness brings anxiety. Is this it? Will I start feeling worse from this point forward? I can usually rationalize to myself: a little uncomfortableness now, even pain, may add years to my life. That upset stomach and tired feeling is probably just a virus. If I do have side effects, I will manage them as they come along and not fret about them before I have to. So I give myself a little shake, look at my wonderful family for strength, and keep moving.